Me - June 20, 2011

I sit and wonder, if the person inside of my head is the person that I am. Am I this person that they continuously tell me I am?

I look around and see all the people from all walks of life looking at me with pity in their eyes. They look at me with saddness. I sit here and the tears roll down and there's no stopping them. With each tear that rolls down my face, my heart clinches a little tighter.with each breath that I take my lungs collapse a little more. I'm shaking and I can't control it. My mind is playing tricks on me and I hate it. I hate being here. I'm not sick. Sitting here and wondering why can't I stop the tears. Why can't I turn them off? Why am I so tired?

I'm tired! I'm tired! I'm tired! I'm tired and I just want to sleep. I don't want to die, but would that be so horrible? I want to live but I want to be alive!

I want to scream out loud for someone, anyone to hold me! Somene, anyone please just hold me. Why am I so weak? I hate being weak!

They run test after test and tell me that everything is good except for my heart. My heart is racing and they need to get it in control. If they figure out how to control this heart of mine could they please let me know? I want to control it!

I want to be numb and with every tear that falls I'm getting closer to my goal. I want to feel nothing! Why does every feeling in my mind resonate with such power? Why can't I be normal? Is there a such thing as normal? I want to be normal!

The tears stop but just for a moment and then they come again! Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't these people stop staring at me with pity in their eyes? I want to be invisible. I want to be invisible!

Invisible in the mirror and invisible to these people! I want someone to hold me and tell me that I'm ok, that I'll be ok! Why can't I be ok?

They ask me what's wrong and I can't tell them because I'm not so bad off that I need their pity. I can't say it out loud because how do I say it feels like my heart is breaking away inside of me and I can feel each piece as it's chipped away?

I am so tired and I just want to sleep for ever. I don't wan't to die. I don't want to hurt myself. I want my hurt to stop. I want my hurt to die. Why can't I just be okay?

They keep testing me and shining lights in my eyes and they talk as if I'm not in here. Maybe I'm not. Where am I? Where is the me I used to be? Why can't I come back?

I'm so tired! I'm so tired! I'm so tired!

My heart is hurting and my head is throbbing and I tell myself to stop crying! STOP CRYING YOU ARE WEAK!!!!! I can't, I don't, I won't! They come on their own these tears and I hate them. My soul is empty! I want my heart to be just as vacant!

God please hold me today, tonight and everyday. I can't control this! They give me medicine and I go numb and I sleep but this isn't how I want to live. Please God help me. I can't fix this feeling. I can't stop it! I don't have the strength to do it anymore! I'm not as strong as they say I am, I'm weak! I'm tired! Please stop these tears from falling! I'm scared! God please heal me. Remove my heart so I don't feel anything anymore! Please God dry my eyes! GOD I NEED YOU!

I'M TIRED!!!!I'm tired ...