The Cats in the Cradle ...

One of my favorite songs ever.  My step dad used to play it all of the time and sing it to me.  Surpringly I still love the song.

Although he wasn't a great dad and he had a lot of demons to deal with or skeletons if you will.  He had his moments of genuine fatherly love.  I hated when the song would come on because I knew we had to have our "moment".  Every parent wants just the two of you moments to share when a song comes on or something else is associated with it.  He wasn't any different.  No child likes those moments after like the third or forth time well not until they're old and have their own kids then they hold those moments close.  I was no different.  I know now that after the song would play my step dad would tell me not to grow to be just like him.  He knew he wasn't doing a great job but yet I think he earnestly wanted me to be better at it than he was.  I think I am but I'm sure there's proof that I'm not that great at the whole parent thing so I'll just live in ignorance where there's all that bliss!

However back to the song ... I don't think any parent would want their kid to grow to be just like them.  I know that I at least would pray to God that Hailee was nothing like me grown up.  Dear word why would I want that handicap placed on her.  I do hope that she does some of my good qualities.  There's got to be some.  I do hope that she is everything she is now.  Well maybe not as awkward.  Awkward meant in the most loving way possible.  I pray she doesn't turn into the stereo typical suburban wife.  I hope she doesn't look at her husband as the ATM only.  I hope she doesn't fall into the catty world of high school but for adults.  I hope she stays as accepting of everyone and as non judgemental as she is today.  

So yeah Harry hit it right on the nose.  As far as warning parents what not to do as far as time with your kids.  Time spent loving your kids and having beautiful yet dreadful moments is worth so much more when you're older.  Yeah they'll go away but we have to insure that they'll want to come back to continue making great moments.  I hope I at least accomplish that even if everything else I do in parenting her is a total crash and burn!  I pray she wants to come home and make more moments.

Or I'll have ruined my one chance of getting put in a decent home at 80! 

Why?

Why do tears come at the most in opportune of times? You're sitting at your desk and working like you're supposed to and then you feel that all too familiar feeling of a flood coming and you know in your gut that the gates (your eyes) aren't strong enough to keep the dam from breaking. You sit there and silently pray that no one walks into your office and without fail they come rushing in people everywhere trying to ask you questions and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs "GET THE FUCK OUT" but you smile that fake "I'm ok" smile and they keep talking and you want to say "Can you leave me with just a little bit of dignity just enough to get through the day, PLEASE DAMN IT PLEASE" but no they are either oblivious to the sheet of water covering your eyes that with one blink will rush down your face like a tsunami or they do notice and their face changes and they get that all to familiar pity filled concerned awkward look in their eyes that tells you that they want to run far away from you because they are uncomfortable and don't know what to do for you or say to you so they say "are you okay" and you both know you're not or else you wouldn't be having this emotional moment at fucking work! You look at them but cut your gaze short because something about looking into another set of eyes causes the tsunami to want to wreck havoc all over you. You say "yeah I'm fine" I usually cover it with "I have bad allergies" and it usually works or the person uses it as an escape because last time I checked allergies don't leave you an emotional wreck at your desk sobbing like your dog just died wishing that you could crawl into a hole and literally die! Nope not symptoms of any allergies I know of!

Why, tears do you cause life to get so complicated! Know your place! Your place is in the car when your human is ALONE DAMN IT! Your place is in the shower so makeup isn't ruined! Your place is in your humans bed when no one else is around and she just needs to cleanse out all of what life seems to throw that she can't seem to catch! Your place is by no means EVER at fucking work you moron or around people ever! She has to be strong she has to stay strong she has no other person to wipe you away on so stop ruining her day you fucking bastard, tears!

Losing Your Memory . . .

In nine days I would have been celebrating my 16th wedding anniversary.  The month leading up to it is always a rough month for me.  Why? I've asked myself this question many times. At the beginning it was merely because I held on to the fairy tale I had dreamed for my marriage.  Now I think about how I've wasted the years since the end of it and now.  

One question remains the same.  Why was I not good enough to fight for?  However this year I merely want to say to the fairy tale ending is that "you're losing your memory now".  With that being said I pray for the next date to be one filled with the feeling of being worth the fight.  

REACHING GOALS - remember the feeling ALWAYS

Hailee: 2013

1/11- first JV game to play. 2nd half first play of your game and you blocked and stole the ball and shot it 30 yds into the GOAL!  Your whole team cheered for you.  You were so happy the ran up and hugged you.  They also all cheered when you got put in the game!!!!  Marco (coach Duran) DIDNT say anything but Betsy (Coach Wade) asked if you had a super power drink that gave you super strength!  You played the whole rest of the half!  Your momma cried! Called your dad and told him!  And couldn't stop smiling to see you so proud and reaching your goal!  Prayed that you would remember how you felt that very moment and always want to feel that same sense of accomplishment in every other goal you set and reach in life!  At the end of the game your team was still giving you props for everything! They were almost as happy as you were.  You ran across the field to me where I gave you a huge hug.  You said that it was the best day in your life.  I can't wait to experience the one that tops this and the one that tops that until you've reached them all!  The best day of my life was January 3 1998!  No other moment has topped it and every moment you experience only adds to the gratitude and undeserved blessing that I have to further value that most amazing day of my life!  Spread your wings my little butterfly you my bee where meant to FLY!!!!!!!!

Who Am I Living For? -- written May 2011

So as I sit here listening to Katy Perry and not going to Church.  I listen to this song! I love it.  The moment that I first heard it on her album I was seriously captivated by it.  I have watched her E! True Hollywood Story and I know that she was brought up in a very religious (and I say religious for a reason) home.  She tried to break out into Christian Music but for whatever the reasons she didn't make it.  So that's just a little insight to me listening to this song today.

I sit here and I wanted to listen to something upbeat because here lately I've been feeling less than upbeat.  Sure I can try to hide the way I feel inside by putting on a smile and cracking joke after joke as to show the world that life is great! But for whatever reason I've not been as happy as I'd like to be.  No one particular reason just the facts.

So I sit here *yes i say it again* and my baby is watching the BIEBS on her new DVD and I'm listening to this song and I listen to it I start to feel a warmth over me and I chill and then I feel like I want to cry but of course I don't because, yeah I'm supposed to be strong.  I'm always to be strong.  I have to show Hailee that you have to be your own strength because you can't count on anyone to be it for you.  EXCEPT YOUR MOMMA!! :) oh yes and DADDY!

So I read the lyrics as I listen to her sing them over and over in my ear phones.  And although it's no secret that I have not been an active member in a church in over 3 years, the lyrics resinate more to me than just biblical meanings although you'd have to be blind not to see her own struggles as far as her upbringing and her now life. 

Sometimes I think we go through the motions of life and lose focus of who we are.  We try to be everything for everyone else, and not on purpose, not in a superficial fake sort of way, but more so in a way that we try to connect with others and we try to become what they need us to be so that either we "fit in" or we don't "get kicked out" or just because we feel like we need to fulfill that particular space in everyone's life. 

"So I pray for strength like Esther

I need your strength to handle the pressure

I know there will be sacrifice

But that's the price"

Now whether you are religious, spiritual or not these words are not meant to preach to you, but rather to ignite something inside of you...US....or just me! :)

I read and listened to her sing those lyrics over and over and I came to the realization that we all have the strength to handle the pressure.  We all have it! We were all given it! How we come to use it or push it away is our own choosing.  Strength isn't just physical it's emotional and mental as well.  Having the strength to do what we need for ourselves is the most important strength to have.  When I say this please know I don't mean in a narcissistic sort of everything revolves around you and you are the center of the universe for everyone in it.  I simply mean, having the strength to know what is good for you and what is not good for you is what requires real strength.  No matter how much you want something if you know it's no good then it takes strength within yourself to walk away from it and count it as  a lesson learned. 

"At the eh-end of it all, who am I living for"  -  yes to ALL of my christian, church going religious friends whom i love with all of my heart....yes God would be the answer. 

However, the reasoning for my writing today has nothing to do with biblical or religious ideals.  It has to do with at the end of it all .... who am I living for .... ME .... why do I do what I do? Why do I like what I like? Why do I look the other way when clearly it's wrong? Why do I think the way that I think? Is it because I believe these things or have I been fed this to believe? Am I trying so hard to not want to be shunned that I just go with it and accept it for what it is because I'd rather be liked than not.  Am I simply just going through the motions and not "Living For Me"   Whether you are religious or not ... One thing is certain we are given but ONE life to live.  We all pretty much believe that we aren't supposed to hurt people, kill, steal and so on.  However, do we know what we are supposed to do?  Yes in the religious aspects of it all we are giving a book that tells us exactly how we are suppoed to live this life that we are given, but this again is a book that although has "red words from God" also was written by man.  and when it was translated by man it was translated by man whom already had religious affiliations and then rewritten by men with other religious views.  NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG OR MIS READ INTO MY WRITINGS!!!!!  I believe the word of God.  I believe that there is One God and I believe in the gifts of the spirit from God and so forth.  I am not saying that I am by any means questioning my faith.  I am saying ..... That this song.....as secular as it is to some and as "backslidden" that Katy Perry may be to others .... THIS song....resinates in me the yearning to figure out who exactly I am living for and why?  and again that is not meant in a "why am i living ....who am i living for" ....It is meant in "who as other than me who am I living for, and why? Why am I living for anyone besides me or to teach my daughter to live for herself" nothing too dramatic,.....just a thought I had today while I was contimplating going to church .... and of course by looking at the time ... I may have just had my own church on my own.

Read the Lyrics to this song....music is like art....the interpretation is left to the person who is viewing/listening to it.  No one is wrong in their thinking or interpretation of it....it's Art/Music .....how it touches you is how you were meant to receive it.  It's a great song.  If you are not religious please don't let the biblical reference to Esther deter you from it.  If you read the book of Esther you'd see that she was an amazing woman!! :0

I hope that I made sense....but if not....I'm sorry.  I made sense to me. :) I hope if you are reading this today....you are having a fantastic day! :)

WHO AM I LIVING FOR ~ KATY PERRY

I can feel a phoenix inside of me

As I march alone to a different beat

Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

 

I am ready for the road less traveled

Suiting up for my crowning battle

This test is my own cross to bare

But I will get there

 

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the frontline when the box starts to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

 

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

 

I can feel this lightness inside of me

Growing fast into a bolt of lightning

I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

 

So I pray for a favour like Esther

I need your strength to handle the pressure

I know there will be sacrifice

But that's the price

 

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

 

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

 

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

 

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

 

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah

 

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

 

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

 

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

Bittersweet Sunday

HTH SENIORS

Today marked a bitter sweet day for me in regards to a very special group of people.  Never in a million years could I have imagined how attached I'd become to a group of kids that were not biologically mine.  Having only one child I figured the tears of happiness that come from experiencing high school graduation would only affect me once maybe a little more given nephews and hailees siblings but not from children that I didn't even have the joy of watching grow to become young adults.

As is the course of life, everything is for a season and being a self admitted creature of habit I do not fare well when it comes to change.  I flat out can't stand it although I do realize it is a necessary evil that must occur to ensure that we continue to develop ourselves into whatever it is we are here to do.  That being said, by no means did I expect this weekend to affect me in such a way.

By design I'm not one who tends to freely distribute my affections.  I tend to make people "earn" it.  This may not necessarily be a good thing but its not entirely a bad thing either. I can't stand the heart hurting its not a pain I wish to feel whether it be for good reasons such as moving to the next stage in life or whether it be the pain from the heart breaking.  I never imagined that I'd feel for these students the way that I do.

As I watched the slideshows at CRossroads Church in Rowlett today I cried like all of the other parents but not in the same way. There's no way I am able to empathize with them as I have yet to feel their exact mixed emotions but being a parent I can certainly sympathize and that alone left me experiencing an abundance of emotions that have been uncharted.

Watching each slideshow from the audience allowed me to experience just a peek at each one of these students' lives.  It is a magical.  The students that were on these slideshows were babies at one point, yes that's a given but when we first meet people we don't automatically think about them and their lives before we met them.  Yes we may ask for the before us stories and enjoy them but we don't often start out with that part.  I have always enjoyed learning about people's pasts good and bad I believe that their past is what has made their present being standing before me.

I met these students roughly three years ago.  I was going through a change that I had not wanted to go through yet again.  It wasn't exactly a pleasant time for me and by no means was I looking to fill a void.  I again had decided to let the hole created remain unfilled as I by no means wanted to take a chance of it emptying again.

When I met them I liked them well enough but wasn't trying to get too close.  Things change.  Sometimes we can't control what emotions we feel no matter how hard we try.  I'd like to make this all feel good so sweet and touching but well this is reality and well we don't have a script that gives us our cues.  They weren't overly head over heels in love with me (I KNOW SHOCKER!) but they were a breath of fresh air.  They accepted me but more importantly my daughter and I began to love them more and more each and every day.  

The three years have not been daffodils and dandelions but they have been ever so sweet!  At a time in my life where I had given up on mankind I was blessed to be brought to a group of young adults in the making.  A close knit group of people who have made my life better.  I haven't been the exact role model that perhaps I should have been but I do strive to at least show them that even as adults (by age) mistakes and stuff happens still and it's not the end all of the world.  The thing is that they have actually taught me this more than they know. 

Today I sat and I cried and I laughed and I smiled and I thought even more into their future, trying to see if I could possibly guess what they will be like in a year, five years, ten years and do forth.  Will Michael become a lawyer or some super intelligent CEO or will he go into some other field that I am not even considering?  Will Brooke have her house as clean as she always tries to keep things when they get together now?  Will Nelson end up in Alabama running his grandfather's business?  Will Abel follow Nelson to Alabama? ;)  What will Mason be doing?  Will they all end up staying in Texas or going away to another state? Will they have successful careers, marriages, and children? What kind of parents will they be? Will they be parents? Will they remember me? Will I see them again once life happens?  Yes all of these questions flooded my mind as I sat and watched as their parents got up one by one to give us just a little more of a peek into their lives BN (before now).  I cried again but this time I realized it was because I was so proud of them for who they've become.  No they're not perfect but no one is.  They're still discovering themselves and "their place in this world" and I could only pray that they never lose focus of their dreams and goals.

Steve Jobs (those who know me know that I love the biography and often quote it) did a commencement speech for a university and he ended it with "stay hungry, stay foolish" and I love it.  I wish that these students would stay hungry for all of their lives, hungry for knowledge, hungry for truth, hungry for all that they want to become and accomplish.  I pray that they stay foolish enough to never give up on what they want from this life. Foolish enough to dream big and bigger.  Foolish enough to see the good before they see the bad.  Foolish enough up hold on to their memories so that when they are parents they can draw from them and try empathize with their children and remember what it may have felt like to have their thoughts and ideas disregarded.   The definition for fool in which I am regarding is "to act in a joking or teasing way" I pray they never lose their sense of humor and that life doesn't make them so serious that they forget how to have fun and most importantly how to laugh at themselves.  I pray that they know when it's time to be serious and when it's time to be foolish.  I pray that they laugh everyday of their lives for at least one reason.  

Another SJ quote from this same commencement was “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

 

I hope and pray that they stay true to the morals they have been instilled with and that as they grow even more that they continue to follow their dreams but also know when it's time to revise the dream to become their reality.  I pray they never give up.  Changing your course doesn't mean you've given up it means that you are intelligent enough to realize that perhaps and alternate route must be taken to get to your final destination.   I pray that they become a "yardstick of quality.  Some  people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected" (SJ)  In this world as it is today we focus way to much on quantity rather than quality of work, time, relationships, etc.  I pray that they realize that although quantity is important, that it means nothing if the quality is crap.  Focus on the task, time, relationship in front of you and give it your best.  Half-butt is never good no one wants your half-butt time, work, or relationship.  Focus on the quality you put out in everything.  Sometimes the smallest attention to detail make the hugest difference.  Don't attach your name to crap.  Why would you want the first thought that comes to someone's mind when your name is mentioned for a job, relationship, or time to be "oh them? It'll be crap". Have pride in yourself enough to produce your best work and even if its rejected.  Learn from the rejection, it's okay to be rejected.   Humble yourself enough to accept the rejection with grace and dignity while rerouting your next plan to succeed.  As cliche as it is it really isn't about how many times you fall it's that you get back up and try again.  Don't blame others for your short comings.  Accept responsibility for what you did or didn't do. Don't make excuses another old saying "excuses are like butt holes, everyone has one and they all stink" (graphic description yet point is made).  We all have excuses for what we believe is the reason we do or don't do something or we fail or whatever, the only excuse is that we didn't plan it, follow through, and execute it in the best way.  When someone tries to tell you why something failed or wasn't a success listen to the words don't just hear them.  Listen and take it in even if its a blow to your gut or ego you'll survive listen enough and be grateful that someone cared enough to try and give you some possible reasons.  Be hurt, it's okay; it's human nature, it's your right to feel the way you feel, but get over it.  Holding on to it doesn't hurt anyone but you.

Own your mistakes you'll get more respect than by always passing the buck?  

Love with all of your heart if it ends then you at least know you have it all you had and you have the good memories to set the requirements for the next love.  This one is hard for most people but I believe it's important.  I may not follow it all of the time but I try to as much as I can. Never regret a relationship that at one point in time made you feel butterflies and smile like the Joker from Batman (but less creepy).  I pray that you never ever have to go through a divorce but if you do, especially if you have children, no matter how much you are hurting try to remember the love you had on your wedding day for your ex and even if they've done you wrong and its all their fault you still loved them and there's no reason to hate them so much that you can't be in the same room as them, especially if you have children.  People, even spouses, are human and no one can "do" anything to you or treat you a way that you don't allow them to.  If you find yourself saying "why do they keep doing this to me" think really hard and you'll see that it's because you keep allowing them to.  Let your no be no and your yes be yes.

Listen to your parents, yes even we have some wisdom that could possibly save you some steps.  We aren't perfect no matter how hard we try to project it. (Stop laughing I know that you all know I'm by no means perfect!)  We do have your best interest at heart but even parents say the wrong thing or don't word it exactly like you want to hear it, but again listen and grab the pieces that are earnestly meant for your success!  Remember that we mess up too and sometimes they're huge mess ups but it doesn't mean we aren't worthy of your forgiveness and love.  We can be just as selfish as you at times and it may be incomprehensible to you but try and remember that we are human.

Learn when to known when its time to walk away.  This pertains to everything and everyone.  Walking away doesn't mean giving up it merely means walking away.  Leave it to God to fix or to give you a different perspective.  In work, it could mean admitting that you are at a road block and don't have the understanding to go forward it doesn't mean you're any less intelligent it just means in that situation you have run out of productive solutions trust your team to help you.  You'll be respected more and you'll learn for the next time.  In relationships it doesn't mean you failed it just means you have to remove yourself for a season in order to allow it to heal and then start a new and better plan.  It may not heal or remedy in your time or to your desired way but it will heal if you allow it to.

I pray that you all look at each other and strive to be the best you see in the others as it pertains to you.  Be as compassionate and loyal and Nelson, be as willing to learn and be taught as Michael, be as reliable and life skilled as Jordan, be as imaginative and loving as Jon (yes he is full of love), be as organized and productive as Brooke, and be as in afraid to take risks as Mason.  You all are so wonderful and powerful in your own ways learn to utilize your strengths and improve your weaknesses (yes we all have them and sometimes our strengths can become our weaknesses).  There is one last thing: treat others the way that they want to be treated.  I know! I know!  We've been taught to treat others the way we want to be treated but we are all different. The way you want to be treated may not be the way someone else does. Pay attention and learn how they want to be treated and in turn teach them how to treat you the way in which you desire to be treated.  

I love you all in a different way and see the wonderful life that is waiting to be grab by you. I honestly pray that you see it as well.  This is your time to rise and shine because you are all stars (cheesy yes I know).  The world is yours to take go out there and show it what you are truly made of!

Nicole Gregory

6/10/13