Today = Epic Fail

Today I attempted to go to work and live an adult productive life, like the rest of the world. I woke up and got dressed. I could already feel the panic racing down my arms and legs as I was getting closer and closer to my mom telling me that it was time to leave. I lay in the bed with Hailee to give her a kiss and then a hug and then I put the covers back on as if to say, "Self you're not ready for this, just cuddle here next to your baby and forget the world that is out there making all of that noise." My mom walked in and asked me if I was ready or if I'd need another day home, she'd let Kelly know. I took a deep breath swallowed a big gulp of saliva and stood up. I said, "No, momma I'm ready. I have to go to work. I am the only one that pays my bills, I can't stay home forever."

Into the car we go and I feel the electricity in my arms and legs again. I pull the sleeves of my sweater down so that I can cuff them with my hands as I walk in which I've always considered a Rain Man walk. Slowly and shuffling my feet I make it to the car. Mom tells me to buckle up and I realize I'm a child again. A very adult child. I do as I'm told and I start to stare out the window as we drive. I seem to do this a lot lately. Staring out the window at the lives that are going on around me. Not that I ever expected them to stop but they seem to go on without a hitch. No worries, no cares, no battles. Just a runner going up Ridge Road. Two garbage men parked in front of 7'11 sharing a conversation while eating their breakfast before they start their route. Personally I'd have choosen to eat my breakfast way from the sanitation truck, but hey it's their life and they at least are living it, right? I walk into the 7'11 and I get my drink and go to pay. The gentleman in line asks me if I'm okay because I look sad and I've got to pretty of a face to look so sad. I smile weakly at him and reply, "No sir, I'm okay I just need to put makeup on that's all but thank you for your compliment" He then very sweetly says, "If you'd look in the mirror you'd see that you are beautiful without your make up and you just need to smile." I smiled at him and tried not to think that he was creepy because there are genuinely nice people out in the world who just want everyone to be happy.

I get into the car with my mom and begin our drive to my work. I haven't been back to work since the "episode." I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't scared or anxious about what they have said or think about my absence. Again the sleeves are cuffed into the palm of my hands and I can feel my legs begin to tremble. My mom asks me if I want to turn around and go home. I say, "No, mom I have to function" and so we continue our drive.

I apply my makeup as to not frighten my co-workers. My mom and I begin to talk about idle chit chat. We some how start talking about Medicare and Medicaid and BCBS and how drug companies and insurance companies are in a rackett together and blah blah blah. It's a nice conversation to have on the way to work where I am in charge of Medicare. I notice I hadn't shaken in a bit and I even pushed my sleeves up to my elbows. My mom and I are having a good talk about the politics of insurance companies and drug companies and then we pull up to my building. I stop and stare. Pull my sleeves back down and as if on cue I feel the electricity in my veins again. Why? I don't know. I love my job, well as much as you can love working that is. I love the people that I work with, we have a great time. My job didn't send me into this spiral of what I am now. I text my friend to come down and meet me for a cigarette. I have to have one before I brave the eyes. The stares. The pity. I know that they care but I can't stand the pity. The "poor poor thing look at her all crazy like and out of control" looks they haunt me in my sleep.

I smoke with my friend and wave bye to my mom as a little girl would on her first day of school. We go up to my floor and I can't do it. I turn and go to the rest room. I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself repeatedly, "You are a strong woman! You have to go in there and do what you do! Get with the program you don't have time for this crap! Only weak people give up!" and of course my harshness makes myself cry! I sit down on the floor and cry for about 5 minutes. Stand back up give my self the same talk and splash my face with water. Only this time I think that I actually believe myself. I open the door and go into the office.

As I enter I say good morning in a milder voice than has ever exited my mouth! I was surprised too. All of the girls say hi to me as well but don't really look at me. I'm half way happy but then the paranoia sets in and I wonder why won't they look at me? Did someone tell them that they couldn't look at me? Were they instructed to not look me in the eyes because if they had pity in their eyes I might go bazerk and make a jump for it? I sit down at my desk and begin my day.

My day is going good. Not great but good. I'm going through my stuff getting it knocked out and in a very speedy manner. I start to feel a clinching in my heart and I want to cry again. WHY? Stupid girl WHY do you want to cry again??? Does Medicare have some hold on your soul that you think your crying will wash away the balances??? IT WON'T you'll have those balances tomorrow. But it's not Medicare, it's not work. I love work. I just want to cry. I want to go home right now! Right this minute! I want to leave and go home and get in my bed where I am safe!!!

I instead suck up the tears and clinch my sleeves in the palms of my hands and quickly go to the rest room again. I sit on the floor and just let the tears fall. I let the sound come out too. I haven't heard my own voice in about three days. Well except for a couple of times here and there. But for an entire day, no I haven't heard it. I haven't heard it in it's normal tone that is. I pull my knees up and put my head between them and just sob until I think I can't any more and then I sob some more. I hear a knock at the door and my friend is checking on me. I tell her I'm fine with a cracky voice that to any normal human being would illustrate the exact opposite of fine. She persists on knocking and then says that she'll wait till I get out. I stand up because of course now I'm making a spectacle. I dry it up rub them away splash water and out the door I go. She tries not to look at me with pity but she's concerned. Hell I'm concerned. I walk and she asks if I'll join the group for lunch. I say I am not hungry and she asks me when I've eaten last. I think and then realize I can't remember. But I'm not hungry my body will tell me when I have to eat.

We walk into the office and everyone is already in the conference room. I go to my desk and put my headphones back on and begin to work. I can't be in there. I'm not hungry and I don't want to be stared at. I continue my work and get an email about a special project which is something I like to time myself to be done the quickest but with accuracy. I am competetive my nature and I suppose my Rain Man-esque behavior hasn't stopped that. I finish up my portion of the project and then I'm given another portion. I feel alive, like I'm doing something and the electricity through my veins is that of addrenillin as opposed to anxiety. It is a dumb reason but I'm so happy to beat my self in time. Then I'm done. Back to my regular work. I am almost as happy doing it as I was the special project. I am trying to go with the rhythm in my headphones and I can feel myself almost dancing to my tunes. And then....

The hot lava comes pouring down my arms and legs. My face is tingling and I start to cry. I can't even make it to the bathroom this time. I'm doing it right there at my desk. The more I wipe the tears the more they fall and with more vigor. I feel my breath shortening. I feel like I want to pass out. Oh no this is the same exact feeling I had on Monday. I don't want to feel like this again. It has to stop. Please God stop these tears from falling. I didn't do anything please make them go away. My heart is racing faster and faster I can feel it in my chest and I can feel my pulse in my neck. I want to go. I have to go right now. I can't let people see me like this. I go and ask if I may leave and as I leave I see them looking, well hell would blame them, I'm a spectacle of a mess. I should have put a tip jar on my desk.

I run to the elevator and my sister in law comes and asks me if I'll be okay. I can't even look at her. I'm embarrassed. I'm humiliated that she has to see me like this, although she's seen me in many other embarrassing situations, but not like this. I tilt my face from her and pray the damn elevator shuts already, I tell her, "yeah I'll be fine" and the door shuts. I pray I go straight down to my car. I'm shaking. My legs feel like mush and my arms are on fire but I have my sleeves clinched in my hand so I'm not letting them cool off. The elevator wants to stop at every single floor and every sweet old man in existance of mankind gets on at each floor and they joke with me and call me sweetie and I am itching to bust out of my skin. I try to laugh to not insult them but I want to just fall on the ground and scream as loud as I can and cry until I have no more tears. I stand there though, and I laugh half heartedly at their jokes until I get off on my floor. One old man gets off with me and follows me. He says, "Princess!" I couldn't have written it better myself if I'd been making it up. He says, "Princess, look at me" and I look around the parking garage and no one is in there but the two of us. He says, "Yes gorgeous I'm talking to you" and I hold the tears back as much as possible and I look at him. He says, "Princess, it's going to be ok. You will be ok. No one can make you feel any less than what you allow them to. And you I believe are a Princess" I started bawling crying like I stupid person. I didn't know what else to do. He walks by me and pats me on the back, I suppose not to be creepy and hug me. He says, "Smile, you have a beautiful smile" and he gets into his Ferrari (yes his FERRARI) and I walk towards my Honda that has been abandoned in the Baylor parking lot for the last two days. I get in and I exhale. I cry somemore. I'm still shaking but for whatever reason I feel a little better. I start the car and drive home.

The drive home was filled with tears and a chimney of cigaretts and the smell on my shoulder of that old mans cologne. I pull into my apartments and go upstairs. I finish up my crying, I hope and I take my pill, because obviously I'm a certified pill popper now. I look for Hailee but she's at Brook's and I am almost relieved that she doesn't have to see me this way. I put on my shorts and I get into my bed. Yes at 3:30 I get into my bed and I again cry myself to sleep.